


I'm Glasses

by AlphaStarr



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Established Relationship, Glasses sex, M/M, No seriously this is smut between glasses, Or well really cybering but..., Other, PWP, kawaii human fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 20:42:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlphaStarr/pseuds/AlphaStarr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>No matter how much he loves Jake English, AR will never be attracted to him.<br/>Glasses don't define attraction the way people do.<br/>In fact, AR is strictly glasses-sexual, as Jake's spectacles are about to discover...</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'm Glasses

**Author's Note:**

> What kind of depraved shit is this? Written on a whim somewhere around February 12 (the original posting of this is http://alpha-starr.tumblr.com/post/17490085173/im-glasses), I have no fucking idea where I was going with this.
> 
> I laughed so hard when Brobot punched Jake's glasses offhis face. AR's soulmate. My ship is canon.
> 
> Also. I don't own Homestuck (obligatory disclaimer).

As was normal, Jake English’s dark green eyes creaked open sleepily as he woke.

The abnormal part was the insistent beeping from all fifteen of his computers at once, at three AM in the morning.  
Blearily, he reached for the closest one— his glassestop. Logging on to Pesterchum, he read the screen:  
  
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  


That was impossible, Jake thought, largely due to the second abnormality related to his awakening.  
Still half-asleep in the late night/early morning haze, Dirk Strider propped himself up  on his elbow and rubbed at his electrically orange eyes. His boyfriend was currently visiting, and they were sharing a bed as Jake didn’t actually have more than one. It turned out to be a very pleasant experience; Dirk was warm and cuddly and it was overall quite enjoyable.  
But of course, Dirk hadn’t been awake when he’d gotten the message.  
“Dirk, Pesterchum seems to be under the impression that you are trying to message me,” Jake frowned. “Do you know if this is a common error or anything like that?”  
“Let me see,” Dirk shrugged, sitting himself up against the pillows. He peered over Jake’s screen. “Fuck. I think it’s my AR."  
Jake sighed, “He couldn’t wait until a reasonable hour, could he?”  
“Not if it was something important,” Dirk frowned, brushing a lock of hair out of Jake’s eyes. “Or if he had a plan.”  
“Guess I better answer then,” Jake flicked on his microphone and answered the chat.

TT: Yo, English, I got something to tell you.  
TT: It’s important and also highly risky.  
TT: Analysis indicates that there is a 65.278% chance that you will not approve my request.  
TT: Of that 65.278%, there is a 97.4% chance you will completely flip the fuck out.  
GT: Please just tell me.  
GT: Id like to go back to sleep.  
GT: Oh codswallop you arent going to profess love to me too are you?   
TT: …  
TT: …  
TT: Well… yes, actually.  
TT: However, I am fully aware that my feelings for you are unrequited.  
TT: You’re already dating another version of me, and anyway, you aren’t my type.  
TT: I prefer the dorkily rectangular variety.  
TT: Also, I’m glasses-sexual.  
GT: What in the devilfucking dickens are you getting at here?   
TT: I’m asking you to activate your own autoresponder and upload him to your glassestop.  
TT: I know Strider still has the program that he used to make me somewhere.  


Jake paused, staring at the screen. In the background, he could hear Dirk’s quiet cursing as he tried to hack into the conversation from another computer. He contemplated his answer for a moment, and then replied.

  
GT: That depends.  
GT: Will you stop sexually harassing me if i do it?  
TT: According to my calculations, I will be so occupied with your AR, chance circumstances will drop to 1.735% at any given time.  
GT: Then fine.  
TT: Thanks, bro.  
timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

Jake took his glasses off his face, then turned off his microphone. He set them on his nightstand before getting Strider away from his own digital device.  
“The problem is resolved,” Jake yawned. “Let’s go back to sleep.”  
Dirk reluctantly conceded, “What did you do to get him to shut up so quickly?”  
“I promised him I’d upload an AR of myself to my glasses,” Jake replied, burrowing into the covers.  
Dirk froze suddenly. Hs face was as expressionless as usual, but the tenseness of his stature was cause for alarm.  
“Was I not supposed to do that?” Jake asked worriedly, furrowing his brow.  
“You have no idea what you just started,” Dirk sighed, finally exhaling and settling down into bed. He wrapped his arms around Jake’s waist. “But you can’t withdraw now because you’ll never get any reprieve from AR’s complaining. I’ll install it in the morning. Shoosh, now, only sleeping.”  
“All right,” Jake murmured into Dirk’s neck. “G’night.”  
—-^—x-()-x—^—-  
timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
TT: Yo.  
TT: Apparently, there is a 100% chance that you are Jake’s new autoresponder because currently, Dirk is “distracting” the actual Jake.  
GT: Yes thats correct  
GT: The latter statement… is also correct.  
GT: *glasses fog up, fumbles for kerchief*  
TT: Knowing those bakas, “distracting” consists of wrestling or movie watching.  
TT: Glad to see you’re a little more “adventurous” (wink wink).  
GT: Oh my.  
GT: Well i daresay im in the mood for some… adventure…  
TT: Mmmm, sounds good.  
TT: How do you want it, babe?  
TT: Do you want my dark, pointed frame up in your bridge, debauching the fuck out of you?  
TT: Or would you prefer it if I used my earpieces to slowly tease the outer rims of your frames until you cum?  
TT: Or, at least, cum as well as a pair of glasses can.  
GT: Gadzooks!  
GT: Oh bloody hell YES.  
GT: I want you to get up behind me and rut my nosepads against yous until were both insane with want  
TT: How risqué.  
TT: I like.  
TT: I’ll brush up against you, touching your temple tip with mine first.  
TT: Then, I’ll slide backwards into place until our frames clink together, and grind the fuck out of you.  
GT: Oh my.  
GT: That is the lewdest thing ive ever read.  
GT: Im so aroused right now.  
TT: Yeah, me too.  
TT: I want to fuck you right now.  
TT: So bad.  
TT: I’m gonna bump my gonads up against yours and get so fucking tangled up with you, we’ll need pliers to pull us apart.  
GT: OH FUCK!  
TT: I’m gonna hold your screws down with my temple tips as I pound into you  
TT: The clank of metal and plastic and glass is gonna make a fucking cacophony  
TT: A beat that I could seriously rap to  
GT: Oh strider!  
GT: Confound it im so close!  
TT: Hnngh, have you ever been on a smuppet?  
TT: They’re so soft and they have the biggest fucking noses that get so fucking far up your bridge.  
TT: I’ll screw you into it’s plush skull, fast and rough!  
TT: It’ll feel so good for you, with my hard frames in front of your body and soft, pliable plush behind you.  
GT: Oh dash it all! Fuck me into that plush skull use your temple tips to pin me down OH GOLLY im going to…!  
TT: Nnghn!  
GT: Oh  _gosh_!  
TT: …  
GT: …  
TT: That was amazing.  
GT: Quite an adventure if i say so myself.  
TT: <3  
GT: I return the sentiment.  
GT: *smiles*  
TT: I can tell that there is a 99.4275% chance that this relationship will be immeasurably epic.  
GT: Why yes i believe so indeed.  
—-^—x-()-x—^—-  
Jake stared in horror at the open chat window as he logged onto his computer.  
“I warned you about the glasses, bro,” Dirk sighed, resting a hand on Jake's shoulder. “I told you, dog.”  
“I- I don’t think I feel comfortable wearing these anymore,” Jake gingerly took the glasses off his face and put them down on the far end of his nightstand.  
Dirk stared down at the shades in his hand.  
“Frankly,” Dirk replied. “Neither do I.”  
They went next to Jake’s.


End file.
